Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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