Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
