No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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