I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
it was like his penis was on wheels.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
