FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Randomize
