Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Randomize
