my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Randomize
