your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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