I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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