wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
I just found puke in my bra..
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
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