dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Randomize
