Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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