Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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