I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
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