You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
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woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
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I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
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