I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
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