hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
Randomize
