In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
Just invented taco cereal.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
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