All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
