So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
