guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
I would ride that face into the sunset
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
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