everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
