My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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