i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
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