the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
