watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize
