i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Randomize
