I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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