Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
The best revenge is premature balding
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
Randomize
