I faked an abortion last night.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
You have to summon your inner elephant
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
