sarcasm needs its own font
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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