Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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