In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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