EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
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