He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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