....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
