4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Randomize
