i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
