He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
Randomize
