We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I cut my penus on the lid.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
