I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
