Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
