my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
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