the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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