need another drink. this is the easiest way
I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
