Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Randomize
