how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
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