Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
