This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
