Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Randomize
