I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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