Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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