Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
How naked do you want me to be?
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
