I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
Randomize
